Reframing a Common Question Through a Trauma-Informed Lens
At Alice House, we know that one of the most common questions people ask about intimate partner violence is, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” Yet the answer is often far more complex than many realize.
In this blog, Program Coordinator Jennifer McNaughton draws on her experience supporting survivors through intake, safety planning, and connection to services to explore why leaving can be difficult (and sometimes dangerous) and how safety planning helps survivors make informed choices on their own terms.
One of the most common questions asked about intimate partner violence is:
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
While often asked with genuine concern or curiosity, this question can unintentionally place responsibility on the person experiencing abuse rather than on the person causing harm.
A more helpful question might be:
Why does someone use abuse and control in a relationship — and what barriers might make leaving unsafe or difficult?
Because for many survivors, leaving is not a simple decision. It is often a complex, ongoing process shaped by safety concerns, coercive control, trauma, and systemic barriers.
Understanding Abuse Beyond Physical Violence
Intimate partner violence is not only about physical abuse.
It can include emotional abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, isolation, intimidation, technology-facilitated abuse, threats, and manipulation. Many survivors are navigating patterns of harm designed to undermine autonomy, create fear, and maintain control.
These dynamics can impact decision-making, self-trust, access to resources, and a person’s sense of safety.
What may look from the outside like “not leaving” may, in reality, be a survivor making strategic choices to reduce harm and stay as safe as possible.
Leaving Can Increase Risk
It is important to understand that leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the highest-risk times for escalating violence.
When someone using abuse senses a loss of control, the risk of threats, retaliation, stalking, or increased violence may increase.
This is why survivors may carefully weigh timing, resources, children’s safety, housing, finances, and support systems before making changes.
These are not signs of weakness.
They are acts of survival.
Common Barriers to Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Survivors may face many real barriers, including:
- Concerns for personal or child safety
- Limited access to safe and affordable housing
- Financial dependence or economic abuse
- Fear related to custody or child protection involvement
- Isolation from family or community supports
- Cultural, systemic, or immigration-related barriers
- Trauma bonds or hope that abuse may stop
- Fear of retaliation, stalking, or escalating harm
These are not “reasons to stay.”
They are realities survivors may be navigating while prioritizing safety.
Safety Planning: Supporting Safety, Choice, and Autonomy
This is where safety planning can be an important support.
Safety planning is not about telling someone they need to leave.
It is not about pressuring someone to take action before they feel ready.
And it is not one-size-fits-all.
Safety planning is a collaborative, survivor-centered process that supports people in identifying options, increasing safety, and making informed choices based on their own circumstances.
It is grounded in the belief that survivors are experts in their own lives.
What Does Safety Planning Look Like?
Safety planning may include exploring:
- Safe people to contact for support
- Emergency contacts and community resources
- Planning for different scenarios at home, work, or in public
- Preparing important documents or essential items
- Technology and digital safety considerations
- Safety planning with children
- Strategies for emotional safety and support
- Planning for safety while staying, preparing to leave, or after leaving
Safety planning can be used at any stage.
Someone does not have to be ready to leave in order to safety plan.
Meeting Survivors Where They Are
One of the core principles of trauma-informed support is meeting people where they are.
That means respecting autonomy.
Reducing judgment.
Supporting choices.
And recognizing that safety can look different for each person.
For some, safety planning may support preparing to leave.
For others, it may support navigating day-to-day safety within a relationship.
Both are valid.
Shifting the Question
Rather than asking:
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
What if we asked:
- What risks might she be managing?
- What barriers might she be navigating?
- What support might help increase safety and options?
When we shift from judgment to understanding, we create space for compassion, dignity, and support.
And that matters.
Because survivors do not need blame.
They need safety.
They need options.
They need to be believed.
And they deserve support on their own terms.
If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence, Alice House can help. Learn more about available support services.